Over the Edge

I got pulled over today by policeman for speeding. I've gotten tickets before but this time, I totally lost it. I bawled in the car for a good 10 minutes after, and the whole 40 minutes it took me to drive home.

When the policeman first approached my window he asked me if there was a reason I was speeding. Considering that I didn't even know I was speeding until I was pulled over I didn't have much to say. But I really wish I would have just said what I was really thinking...

Like, I was speeding because you guys set up a speed trap. What else do you call it when you are winding through the country and all of a sudden the speed limit drops right as you are heading down a big hill and turning around a sharp bend! It's not like it's an unlikely spot to speed seeing as how they managed to pull over 3 out of the 4 people in my line of vision, it's not like we are on a busy road. I doubt the speed limit change was even posted right there, it probably was posted a mile into the little town we were approaching. But maybe I just didn't notice since I was talking to my husband on speakerphone because it's my daughter's 4th birthday but he is stuck at a dumb overnight training and hasn't been able to see us or even really talk to us much. So even though it's bad, I took that call and talked to him for 5 minutes because I get weepy like that on my kids birthdays and want to talk to the person who was there when my child was born and knows exactly what it means to me. Not to mention I feel horrible because her Daddy is gone on her birthday and he hasn't been able to hug her or kiss her or cuddle her or dance with her. Which is exactly what he would be doing if he wasn't at the training. And it's training that he already knows and he isn't learning anything but he is going so that way it's all "official". Her Daddy is her favorite person in the world and I just can't make up for that. And do you think that my 4 yr old wanted to spend 4 hours going to a soccer game on her birthday. We weren't even going to go this weekend and had clearly made plans not too, except that my 11 yr old had seizures a couple of weeks ago and he's scared. He's super scared, I'm super scared and so is his dad. But we are trying to act like we aren't scared and we are trying to not freak out about what his pediatrician told us/him last week at his check-up and so it seemed important at the time to take him to his soccer game so that he knows that life goes on and hopefully he'll get over being scared. And I'm sorry if you think I am drunk or something but I'm not. That's the only reason I can see as to why you asked me a million personal questions. I feel like I'm going to throw up because the hills are curvy and I was nauseous throughout the whole soccer game and dreading going home. I normally get a little car sick but I felt it more probably because I still have fluid in my ears because I got super sick last weekend and am still recovering from an ear infection and sinus infection. And I am just trying to keep it all together and get better even though I wake up 4 times a night or more since my husband was gone. Because the baby monitor in my 11 and 12yr olds room goes off quite alot because they talk in their sleep and have been coughing quite a bit. So I'll just hear something and think that he is warning me about his seizures again so I shoot out of bed and run upstairs to check on him. Which leads me to run into the edge of an open door or stumble over a remote control car, so it's not like we are really getting alot of sleep around here. He really does warn us, do you know what that pressure feels like. I can still hear exactly what he said and how he sounded when he called to me, his mom. What if I don't hear him next time and I'm not able to get to him in time, and he's calling for me and I let him down. I mean it's just so much, much, I don't know...

It's just it is supposed to be Ginger's Special Day and it doesn't feel so special and I am still totally bawling. Even my kids distracted with their DS and portable movies know that something is seriously wrong with me because I heard them say, "Mom never cries like this when she gets a ticket."