Fighting For My Life

The past four weeks I have been fighting for my life. Not in the typical way you may think of when you hear that term. My medical issues have been minutia in comparison to the way you normally hear that saying.

But, that is the reality I have felt every single day. I've thought of the wonderful life I have. I know that I have it good, most days I have at least one moment where I just feel like this is all a dream! How can one insignificant, not particularly talented person/wife/mother have all these beautiful things surrounding her: a nice home, gorgeous and happy children, a hard-working loving husband, fun experiences, caring friends, etc. Life can seem pretty perfect most days. Don't get me wrong we face the same battles all families experience with crazy schedules, fighting kids, or whatever. But honestly as a whole it feels like a fairytale.

I've thought alot about my perspective too. I was never the girl who dreamt about her wedding or planned on staying home and raising her family. Mainly because I never really considered that I would get married or have a family. Until I did. And it was AMAZING! It's truly been a gift and I've really tried to make sure that my family has known that they were my one, true blessing in life.

I love caring for my family, cooking them delicious meals, cuddling them, even doing the busy schedule when I spend the entire day shuffling children around! My beautiful life is made out of those millions of small moments.

And then 4 weeks ago, out of nowhere, I was unable to live the life that I love. I have a herniated disc. I didn't do anything in particular to send me into a spasm of intense pain. I just went about my day, sat down, and then when I got up it got tougher and tougher to move. I had an episode close to this last fall. Which was probably the same thing but mainly I just needed to get my muscles to relax and I was fine in about a week. This time though it has taken 4 weeks to feel almost better. I had a relapse about 2 weeks in (just when I felt like I was getting better) from a fatal cough that nearly made me fall to the ground. That's it a simple cough and all of a sudden I could not walk again.

Oh, but I've been walking! Painful, slow steps, but I've been walking. Mainly because I have been terrified of losing my mobility, my muscle mass, and my strength. All of which is crucial to me ever healing completely. I've also been seeing a great chiropractor and orthopedic surgeon (no one is even suggesting surgery) that was just to get me some strong steroids to help with the inflammation.

Which brings me back to perspective...I thought I enjoyed most facets of caring for my family. Of course you could take away the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc and I would be a whole lot happier--right.

That is until you have to fight to do the simplest things like:
* Crawling on the floor for 30 minutes just so you can wash your son's band shirt that you know he needs for his concert. I could have easily asked Ken to do this, but I didn't want too. I wanted to wash it and have it all ready for Darin when he got home. I purposely waited until Ken was on a conference call so he wouldn't see me and stop me. I will never complain about washing a bunch of laundry ever again. Not after I remember how badly I wanted to and the pain that I fought to do it.

* Standing at the sink washing every single dish, cup, spoon, and fork by hand because I can't even bend enough to put the glasses in the top rack. We normally go through 2 full dishwashers each day. The ironic thing was that I insisted on doing this chore when normally my children do it. I also tried to turn down my mom as much as she let me. It probably seems silly but they were all caring for me so much I just wanted to do something.

* Getting up 2 hours early (when I am so not a morning person) just so I could shower, get dressed, hook up my buzzer, and strap myself together so I could drive the boys to school. Ken was presenting at a conference in Washington D.C. when I re-injured myself and it was all I could do to get myself in the car to take the boys to school. Afterward my chiropractor gave me a hard time for not calling my parents to help. He said, "It would be his privilege to help his daughter in her time of need. Don't you dare take that away from your parents." Which is totally true. That's how my parents act, but at the same time it's my privilege to care for my children and my parents had already spent a number of days the week before taking the boys to school and home. I was in too much pain and had to relent and my mother and father helped me out a ton.

It breaks my heart to think of all the things I have missed out on these past four weeks. It was the very 1st time I missed Nathan's Thanksgiving at School, it makes it sadder because this was probably his last Thanksgiving Lunch since next year he will go into middle school. It was the first time any of my sons have ever had to do a Science Fair Project without me, Darin had to do everything himself. I couldn't even help him measure how far his planes flew. I love doing Science Fair Projects with the boys. I've missed picking up my Girls. I haven't been able to pick them up when they get a scrape, or fall down, or are just excited to see me. I've had to usher them to a couch or bed so I can comfort them. There have been about a hundred little things I could not do for my family that I have shed so many tears over.

But, I am so grateful that I was able to teach Rose's preschool group last week. I'm happy I was able to see Nathan's robot at the robofair. I was also able to see Nathan's Basketball game, a really hard one where he lost by just 2 points and the loser was not going to go on to the playoffs. It's games like that where he turns to me (his mommy) for comfort. I also got to see Nathan make basket #3 out of the 4 his team made to make it to playoffs when they unexpectedly had to have a shoot-off because their was a three way tie for the 4th playoff spot! I was able to see Darin get his gold belt in Karate. Ken and I were able to go on a date to the movies even if I took up 3 seats laying down, it was still awesome! And even when I have been at my worst, at least I have been able to hold my children and cuddle them in bed.

I am 90% recovered now and feeling quite good. Honestly, if you are reading this and wishing you had done something for me--please, please don't. I had TONS of offers for help, and a ton of help. But really I needed to fight through the pain and keep my mobility up. I was always able to get any help I needed quickly. Frankly only Ken could have helped me with the hardest of times and he did. And Heavenly Father has blessed me! He sent people to me right when I needed them. A beautiful friend to care for my girls. A sister who I met through Visiting Teaching and a lifelong friend who is a massage therapists was able to loosen my muscles. Another sister who used to be in my ward a few years ago at the store. We never really socialized together or anything but she saw me at the grocery store late at night and came over and taught me physical therapy exercises that helped her through the same back problem. Here I am again, truly humbled by the life that I have and the people who are in it and care for me.

Now, I get ready to party! We are leaving in just a couple of days for two full weeks in Cancun! I am especially grateful that I have healed enough that we can still go. I feel confident in the things I've been doing and I am still taking great care with my body.